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Your ex-spouse is bad-mouthing you to your children, perhaps even trying to turn them against you. If you handle the situation ineffectively, you could lose your children's respect, their affections'even, in extreme cases, lose contact with them.
The conventional advice is to do nothing, for fear that any response would be fighting fire with fire and result in greater injury to the children. But in his more than twenty-five years of research on divorcing families, Dr. Richard Warshak has become convinced that a passive approach does nothing but leave parents feeling helpless. And the damage to children is considerable, particularly when warring parents enlist children as allies in the battle. The problems range from tainted parent-child relationships, in which children are disrespectful or reluctant to show their affection, to a disturbance in which children virtually disown one of their parents and all the relatives on that side of the family.
Divorce Poison is the first book that offers specific advice to protect children from the results of their parents' animosity. In it, you will learn how to:
respond when your children join forces with your ex
react if your children refuse to see you
answer rude and hateful behavior
insulate children from the harmful effects of bad-mouthing
identify and correct your own contributions to parent-child conflicts
defend against false accusations of brainwashing
choose the best therapist and lawyer
reconcile with children after years of estrangement
Dr. Warshak reveals the typical behaviors of alienated children, how and why parents manipulate their children, seven rules for responding effectively to bad-mouthing without succumbing to the impulse to retaliate in kind, and how the controversial diagnosis parental alienation syndrome is used in court to take children away from parents or to regain contact with alienated children.
This pathbreaking work gives parents powerful strategies to preserve and rebuild loving relationships with their children -- and provides legal and mental health professionals practical advice to help their clients and safeguard the welfare of children. Whether they are perpetrators of divorce poison, victims of it, or both, parents who heed Dr. Warshak's advice will enable their children to maintain love and respect for two parents who no longer love, and may not respect, each other.
- Sales Rank: #105320 in Books
- Published on: 2002-01-01
- Released on: 2002-01-08
- Ingredients: Example Ingredients
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.25" h x 1.05" w x 6.13" l,
- Binding: Hardcover
- 320 pages
From Publishers Weekly
In Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex, Richard A. Warshak (The Custody Revolution) offers guidance to parents whose exes portray them to their children in a negative light, whether it's mild, off-the-cuff badmouthing or systematic character assassination. Common psychological wisdom, besides recommending that parents avoid fighting fire with fire, suggests doing nothing. But Warshak has witnessed the feelings of powerlessness and the increasing difficulties that come from doing nothing. So he provides "a blueprint for an effective response grounded in a solid understanding of the techniques and dynamics of parents who poison their children's relationships with loved ones." After describing numerous nuances of inter-parental malignment (brainwashing, false abuse accusations, revisionist history, etc.), Warshak moves on to "Poison Control," both independently and with the help of professional counselors. This book will seem a godsend to the many divorc‚s who are bashed by their ex-spouses. (Regan Books, $26 304p ISBN 0-06-018899-5; Jan.)
Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
From Booklist
Some level of animosity is typical in divorce, but when parents let those feelings degenerate into bad-mouthing, bashing, or brainwashing, they run the risk of emotionally damaging their children, according to child psychologist Warshak. He looks at the poisonous relationships that develop when parents carry criticism of their ex-spouses too far: parents and children estranged from one another, protracted and bitter custody and visitation battles, and even ruined relationships with the extended families. He uses case studies to illustrate how parents--sometimes unconsciously, sometimes deliberately--force children to choose between them and turn against the other parent. He describes a range of difficulties, from tainted parent-child relationships to an emotional disturbance known as parental alienation syndrome. Warshak offers strategies for parents to examine their motivations when they speak against a former spouse, to curb negative impulses, and to repair damage that may already have been done. Useful resource for families dealing with divorce and child rearing. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved
Review
"...offers valuable advice...helps you understand and heal your own hurts without hurting the children you love." -- Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway and I'm Okay...You're a Brat!
"A breakthrough book. . . . Well-written, balanced, and filled with insights, perfect for any parent who has been the victim of bad-mouthing." -- Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of Father and Child Reunion and Why Men Are the Way They Are
"An absolute must-read for any parent going through a divorce. . . . Lays bare the evils of parental alienation." -- Armin Brott, author of The Expectant Father and The Single Father
"In this balanced, compassionate book, Warshak offers vital advice to those caught in the emotional maelstrom of a bitter divorce." -- Mark Pendergrast, author of Victims of Memory
"Long overdue. Recognizes the critical importance of every child having a relationship with both parents." -- Karen DeCrow, attorney and past president, National Organization for Women
"Skillfully draws attention to the devastating consequences of a poorly recognized form of child abuse--parental alienation. . . . Filled with clear advice." -- Michael E. Lamb, Ph.D., National Institute of Child Health and Human Development
"The wisdom and insight of years of professional experience. . . . If you're divorced and you love your child, read this book!" -- Connie R. Ahrons, Ph.D., senior scholar, Council on Contemporary Families, and author of The Good Divorce
"This book should be required reading for every parent, the week after they leave divorce court." -- Alison Clarke-Stewart, Ph.D., associate dean for research, School of Social Ecology, University of California, Irvine, and author of Daycare
"Warshak's sympathy for mothers, fathers, and relatives is outweighed only by his compassion for the children themselves." -- Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of Boys
A great book for both parents and professionals on a previously neglected topic by an outstanding clinician/researcher. -- Henry Biller, Ph.D., professor of psychology, University of Rhode Island, and author of The Father Factor
Most helpful customer reviews
99 of 102 people found the following review helpful.
If the other parent bashes you, if your child mysteriously dislikes you (or is uncomfortable), THIS BOOK IS ESSENTIAL!
By CustodyIQ
It's an unfortunate reality that some parents will do their best to destroy a child's relationship with the other parent. So long as those misguided or sick parents have unsupervised time with the children, there's always a risk of confusion, conflict, or long-term damage to the bond with the "targeted" parent.
The most important aspect of this phenomenon is to catch it early, even if the bashing seems to occur on occasion or is subtle.
Eventually, enough little drops of poison can have a devastating consequence.
This book is an excellent tool to help "targeted" parents recognize signs of what the author calls poisoning (also called alienation tactics).
Though the book's readership would likely readily agree that taking the higher road is always best, what the author emphasizes is that if the higher road is not coupled with a proactive approach, devastation to the parent/child relationship can be the result.
What I found most helpful about this book are a couple areas:
A) I realized that no court order, and no amount of counseling, and no common sense discussion would stop my ex from her subtle, on-going attempts to undermine my relationship with my daughter.
B) I realized that there are many tactics I could employ to combat my ex's attempts... tactics that are nearly all positive and proactive.
The author provides many ideas to the reader on how to help ensure the poisoning parent's attempts fall on deaf ears in the child.
Strategies that I learned from this book have proven themselves with amazing results in how I handle my own situation... and the outcome is a young child who (on her own) has been able to conclude that her mother says untrue things about her father.
That's a best-case scenario when you face a parent who refuses to shield the children from conflict or disparaging remarks.
Though the attempts at alienation may never end, helping to insulate the effects is where this book shines.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
hate campaign against a parent
By Love Doves
I am a Social Worker who works with abused children. False abuse allegations are not a surprise in my field of work. Majority of the cases I work with, children do not indulge into trivial or "even ridicules" as Dr. Warshak defines it in his book, hate campaign against a parent. In fact the abused children I work with who are truly abused rarely reject the parent who abuses them. They want relationships with that parent, they want to see him or her and they truly love that parent. In cases of Parental Alienation - with or without false allegations- the reality is completely different. Dr. Warshak describes these cases in his book as the "the nuclear weapons" of custody litigation. Unfortunately, many mental health professionals who work with families fail to recognize the difference between true abuse and irrational alienation, and thus more training, education and research is needed in the field to provide helping professionals with more tools on how to recognize, differentiate and treat parental alienation.
I am also a parent who witnessed and experienced parental alienation or as Dr. Warshak defines it in this book "pathological alienation". The damage that is has done to my step-child is irreversible but there is hope. In this book Dr. Wrashak presents many ways on how to counteract Parental Alienation. He articulates "actions" such as self -restrain: self control against wanting to "lash-out" in the face of kids' rude and hateful behavior; maintaining contact: even when the kids complain and refuse Dr. Warshak doesn't recommend for parents to cease contact voluntarily - continue to exercise your rights and see your children regardless; developing a thick skin is another good action to consider to survive a campaign of hatred: Dr. Warshak articulates that one "must learn to withstand high levels of verbal aggression and provocative behaviors". This book is full of real life case examples that gives you chills when you read it because you can relate on so many levels.
I highly recommend the book to all helping professionals and parents who are living the nightmare of parental alienation. This is the best book out there on the parental alienation topic and will be an eye-opener for anyone who is going through divorce, or went though divorce or treating families of divorce.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
good book! great information and very well written
By WILLIAM M
Good book, great advice! it has many areas with really good advice, and going thru a divorce it gave me a lot of information that was very helpful. I would really recommend this to some one in a similar situation, it will really help a lot. We really enjoy trying and testing different products and reviewing them. When we are purchasing items the first place we look is the review section to see what experiences other shoppers have had with a particular item. This has been a big part of our decision to purchase an item or not. Because of this, we like to leave detailed reviews of the items we purchase to help others make the same decision.
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